My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My kitchen overserved me.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
#CoronaOutbreak