fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
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I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
❤️🦆
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.