“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see