@Mayhem_Monica: My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I'm now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.
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@TheQuietPsycho: Find a person who wants to do everything w you... ...and fix them up w someone else. You don't need someone that exhausting in your life
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.
@noogscorner: Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.