Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Care for your back
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”