@ColoChiver: My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.
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@GrantTanaka: 7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like "hey dad, why don't you remember our names"
@QwertyJones3: [FBI job interview] "Do you have any self defense training?" *flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I'm skilled at fencing.
@squirrel74wkgn: [tearing off our clothes] Her: I want you. Take off your shoes. *kicks flip-flop through her TV*
@KalvinMacleod: ME (pulling wishbone): I won WIFE: what'd u wish for? M: uh world peace W: Nice *human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?