If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
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walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Mornin
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
🤣🤣
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good