That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.