Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Bringing home a sharpie
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.