More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
A leaf blower, but for people.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan