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@TEXASVETERAN: My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?!
Me: Because my bed is at home.
@illingsworth: if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
@SoulYodeler: Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
@tastefactory: Let's ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife's meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
@SirEviscerate: Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it's knocked out a window into the sea*
@tiReynard: How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake...?
I was today years old.