My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Milk Cube
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine