“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
me hitting on a model
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going