My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
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Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I know karate and tons of other words.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate