My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
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8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Animal poetry
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going