My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
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Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
The Struggle
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”