My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
You Might Also Like
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
iPhone X
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus