Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
You Might Also Like
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.