My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
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5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.