My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
You Might Also Like
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
this isn’t threatening at all
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.