My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.