My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
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OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly