My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
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The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
😎 🍻
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.