@SondraDeeMe: My boyfriend doesn't like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, "Beard Man" "Jolly Girl" and "the one I slept with in 2009."
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@timdonakowski: Boss: I'm following you on Twitter. Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower! [Days later] Me: Oh wait. Shit.
@AndrewNadeau0: RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
@Cheeseboy22: Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don't remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
@Steelers1972: The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don't care if you get the last iPad Mini.