My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
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I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
bury ourselves
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason