@MrsMikePatton: My boyfriend got pissed because I didn't swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?
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@ClaytonSykes: After getting out of jury duty, it dawned on me that our nation's trials are decided by 12 people too stupid to get out of jury duty.
@Crutnacker: Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote "Nukes" on it Obama: Joe! Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
@AndyAsAdjective: When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
@SaraMansford: Maybe artists wouldn't be so starving all the time if they'd just eat all that fruit they're always painting.