I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?