My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
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The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭