My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
cat vs inanimate object
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!