My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Bring back the McRib
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.