@Branka_R: My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
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@angeliav68: Truthfully officer, I wouldn't have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
@CornOnTheGoblin: [pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]... the teenage mutant ninja turtles
@DanMentos: My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
@Twtercide: Him: Wtf is wrong with you? *remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos Me: I'm just really tired.