My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Pat is about to own someone
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I love wikipedia