My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
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I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
called in thicc to work this morning
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.