My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
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There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.