My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
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I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
WHY would you be happy about this?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat