@OkieGirl405: My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I'm kind of scared, I don't speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
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@BrianStack153: Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
@shutupmikeginn: friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself? me: It was on sale for $4 friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
@bornmiserable: ME: Avenge my death CO-WORKER: That's just a paper cut ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON'T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
@liv_thatsme: I always bring 2 pop tarts to work, so I can eat one now and the other one also now.