My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”