My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest