My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
That’s not how days work.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Don’t forget to tip your server
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded