My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*aggressively waits in line*
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.