My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”