My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.