@BFNotAllowed: My boyfriend isn't allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
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@Abusitron: Minister: if anyone objects to this unio- Me: *raptor call* Groom: *raptor call* Guests: *chorus of raptor calls* *Bride gets devoured*
@JaneBadall: In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I'd soaked with chloroform.
@batkaren: HER: What's your cell plan? ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You? HER: ... ME: ... HER: ... V-Verizon.
@Douchekevin: Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won't work. I was married for 6 years.