A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I love twitter
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
How high do the levels go?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”