@HelsNotAllowed: My boyfriend isn't allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex's there...
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@Home_Halfway: Dad: Tall latte Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name? Dad: What your parents didn't give you one? *all the other dad's give him high fives*
@Yankeegiant72: After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts: 1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and 2) I may need new drywall
@hippieswordfish: WAITER: what can i get you ME: what do you recommend WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Boss: I need you to work late. Me: [sprays her with Pepsi] B: You're fired. Me: So I don't have to work late? B: No. Me: [winks at camera]