[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
You Might Also Like
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Trying
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs