My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
You Might Also Like
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.