@HelsNotAllowed: My boyfriend isn't allowed to have candles on his birthday cake...Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.
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@AudreyPorne: him: I wish you'd talk more during sex. me: Okay. [during sex] me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear him: please don't speak
@lazerdoov: *bursts into a bank* EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
@KingsnorthAP: Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink