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Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.