@Ideal_Victoria: My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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@daemonic3: Me: Hi, what's a good school binder for my 10yo girl here? Clerk: Trapper Keeper? Me: Haha, no, she's my own daughter.
@vvvolte: does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
@TheMichaelRock: Me: You can just keep that pen. Coworker: Sure? Me: Yeah. I noticed you don't wash your hands in the restroom. Cw.. Me: I told everyone.
@UNTRESOR: "Sorry, boss. I can't come in today." "Why not?" [fakes a sore throat] "I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."