My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.