@Ideal_Victoria: My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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@UnFitz: Doctor, reading chart: "Says here you're improving!" Doctor: "...Oops." *slowly turns chart rightside up*
@LuvPug: If there's ever an apocalypse, you'll recognize me because I'll be the zombie wearing flip flops
@Michael1979: If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
@Eric_Bader: I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would've told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn't want to get mugged.