@Ideal_Victoria: My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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@Chumpstring: [used car] ME: my credit's bad SALESMAN: k ME: i'm a criminal SALESMAN: no law against that ME: i'm on the run SALESMAN: then you need a car
@ComedicBust: [Walking into the gym Jan 1st] Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you're making. Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..