@Ideal_Victoria: My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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@Thynebear: [Gets on one knee] Margaret- [Pulls out ring] Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won't stop following me.
@Home_Halfway: *guitarist breaks guitar* HELL YEAH *drummer throws drums* YES YES *singer stabs a bunch of guys* OH MY GOD *bassist plants a bomb* STOP
@markleggett: I just whispered "Come at me, bro" to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I'm in my car driving away from my old life.
@Douchekevin: Girlfriend told me she wants me to pull her hair , but apparently not while she's driving. Girls are weird.