[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
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Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Get in, there’s no time to explain.