kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.