My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger