My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
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Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas