My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.