If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
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Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees