@Jez1: My boyfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because he doesn't exist.
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@BadJordon: [ER] HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler. DOC:… H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand. D: Rub kale on it.
@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
@SirEviscerate: *accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus* ... *makes distant thunder noises with mouth*