@Jez1: My boyfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because he doesn't exist.
@bornmiserable: ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That's just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON'T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
@ayisi_yaw: #punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married
@_correctomundo: Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.
@Donna_McCoy: Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
@juliussharpe: My wife wants to have another kid. That's like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, "I think we better turn around."