My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
You Might Also Like
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.