@Jez1: My boyfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because he doesn't exist.
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@BlindChow: [crime scene] ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself? DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side *rookie cop vomits*
@KeetPotato: [ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"
@RorynotRoy: Give a man a compliment & he'll be all, "Yeah, I've been working out." Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he'll be all, "I feel SO fat."
@CarouselMouse: APOLLO: I'll be god of the sun HERMES: OK I'll take light- A: I'm also light ARTEMIS: I'll take music A: No I'm also music. That's me too