I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
You Might Also Like
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way