My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You Might Also Like
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Bike is short for Bichael.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.