[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Found the job I’m suited for
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO